If you ask what my favorite video game is, I’ll probably say Tinder. I don’t consider myself a gamer in any sense, aside from my love affair with Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp, and video games have never really interested me. However, I’ve come to learn that if you have a teenage brother or live in one of the top 20 cities “for gamers,” you cannot avoid them forever.
My motto is: I’ll try anything once and then usually never again. While gaming, my brother and friends like to do this thing where they hand me the controller mid-game and watch me struggle as I fail to learn what to do.
With that said, here’s a list of 10 video games I’ve literally played one time and my reaction to each. Enjoy.
Let’s kick things off with Warframe, or as I like to call it, Boreframe. I played this game last year, one time. I think it’s about robotic aardvarks that wake up from naps and realize they’re being attacked by evil, lumpy men. The point is to destroy the lumpy men to reclaim your planet. I absolutely couldn’t follow the complicated plot involving trash humans and factions, so I just ran around shooting at things until something else happened.
At one point, I had a robot dog named Eyebrow, but he kept dying. I did, however, enjoy exploring the spaceships and pointing out the types of plants I saw (mostly moss). To be honest, I felt like the creators could have learned something about spaceship interior by watching Lilo & Stitch. That’s a big missed opportunity.
Rating: 1/5 — Stupid; Needs Sigourney Weaver.
My initial reaction to Fortnite was that it must be really fun to play while drunk.
Your character gets dropped into a city in Florida. Then, you run around and kill each other. Last man standing wins. Sounds like Friday nights at the club. The concept was basic enough for me to understand, and I ended up coming in 9th place. How is that possible, you ask? I have literally no idea.
I started the game by running in a straight line until I hit some kind of invisible barrier and had to turn left and run in a different straight line. I pressed a random button and my character decided it was the opportune time to start flossing. I liked that part.
Then, I got hungry and decided to make a snack. I came back 4 minutes later and my character was still alive. Meanwhile, 95 percent of my competitors had been eliminated. Ultimately, I spent the rest of the game trying to build a little house out of wood. It was cute. Then, I got shot by a bush.
Rating: 3/5 — For the dance moves.
3. Frozen Free Fall: Snowball Fight
This game might be for babies, but that didn’t stop me from playing it once. Picture Candy Crush Saga, but instead of candy, it’s frozen blocks that look like candy. The characters from Frozen just happen to appear on screen as you match up colors and destroy blocks to earn points.
It’s fun for about six minutes. Then, the realization hits that, ideally, you would only play a game like this during morning commutes or while sitting on the toilet. This version requires you remain on the couch with the controller, playing a game no one would possibly touch if their lives were enjoyable and exciting.
Rating: 2/5 — Is Kristoff single?
If you like squares, then this is the game for you. Aside from featuring characters that look like the people from Kanye’s “I love It” music video, Minecraft is sort of like digital Legos. I played this game one time while babysitting a seven-year-old. A few seconds after handing me the controller, this kid reminded me that I “suck” and “should probably just kill myself,” because I was so bad at the game.
I’ll be honest, I didn’t hate Minecraft (I do hate the kid I babysat, however). Minecraft is pointless, just like my other favorite activities. I liked the little animals you encountered and the fact you could build just about anything. One guy spent something like 34-years of his life (my estimation) building an exact replica of a Babylonian City.
Rating: 4/5 — I do enjoy squares.
5. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (GameCube)
This one is a bit different from the others, because it was a legitimate game. It had every element that goes into making a game great: wizards, magic, dragons, accents, teenage boys, etc. The graphics were on point (see below), and there was an actual plot that didn’t require learning a literal alien language to understand.
If you like flying around on broomsticks, making things float, and shooting lights out of your wand, do NOT miss this game. I should note I couldn’t get past level two—it was too hard.
Rating: 5/5 — Harry James Potter.
6. Katamari Damacy
When I was in elementary school, I got in trouble for making a giant rubber band ball and throwing it at a kid named Brad. You can imagine my amusement when I discovered a game where the literal point was to roll around collecting random things into a ball and then using it to destroy cities. I liked this game a lot. The concept was simple, yet creative. I think I might have played this one for up to 20 minutes, definitely a record.
P.S., I tried to make my own Katamari Damacy ball at home using my dog, toothpaste, and some fruit, but it didn’t work out.
Rating: 4/5 — Creative AF.
7. Horizon Zero Dawn
I played this game with my boyfriend at the time and immediately became jealous, because the main character was cuter than me. Horizon Zero Dawn reminded me of a Warframe, Ygritte from Game of Thrones, and Brave (the Pixar movie) combination. I was surprisingly bad at it, but I loved the strong female lead.
The plot was straightforward enough, but I’m easily confused, so I didn’t make it too far. I got upset after shooting a robot giraffe that was minding its own robot business. It was hard to determine which robots were bad and which were harmless. I was so heartbroken about the dead giraffe I couldn’t really focus on anything else for the rest of the game (or day, for that matter).
Rating: 3/5 — RIP Robo Giraffe.
8. Super Smash Bros.
I have to say, this might be one of the most pointless games of them all, but it’s also the most fun when you’re playing with other people. I picked Kirby and spent the majority of the game floating around the screen like a little pink poof.
Eventually, I realized Kirby could eat his opponents. This is a power I’ve always secretly desired, so it was a game-changer for me. Literally. Then, someone killed me.
Rating: 4/5 — Is Kirby a boy or a girl?
9. Sea of Thieves
Everyone loves pirates. If you don’t like pirates, GTFO. I had absolutely no idea how to play Sea of Thieves, but I loved the graphics. There was something about being on the open, digital sea that relaxed me.
My experience with this game involved trying to steer the ship without bumping into anything and sinking. There were times when we’d reach these little tropical islands and I’d wander around looking at the sites and planning my next vacation, but then the controller was taken away from me.
Rating: 2/5 — Needs scurvy.
10. Halo 2
If you’ve made it to the end of my list, congratulations. It’s not easy to read 10 failed attempts to play video games that most of the population has easily figured out. Anyway, on to my final game: Halo 2.
I never played the “original” Halo but was told by my college roommates that it “didn’t matter.” I can confirm, as I never understood the plot and still don’t. This game is basically Warframe in disguise. You play as Iron Man and run around with your flame gun, trying to kill everyone else. Then, you throw up a gang sign and hump the bodies you’ve successfully mutilated. What kind of game is this?
I think there was a character called Master Chef, but he didn’t do any cooking, and another character is named Arbiter. He’s basically foreskin in a helmet. This is the game my friends had the most fun watching me play and fail at. As the world is full of Halo “experts” (they’ve released at least 22 versions by now), my pals found it amusing to watch me aimlessly wander around and scream for a grand total of 13 minutes.
Rating: 1/5 — Rudimentary, primitive, like eating a stale Cheeto.
This sums up the list of 10 games I’ve played literally one time. Do you have any suggestions for me to try? I’ll guarantee at least five minutes of gameplay and one or two sarcastic comments.
If you’d like to see more of my great gaming ideas, check out What’s Next for Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp? My 5 Recommendations.